Posted on January 12, 2009 - by Andy McMahon

“Potential Again” – Repost from September 07.

I wrote this blog a while back.  like.. over a year ago.  I used to hate the word potential.  It haunted my every move.  “I don’t know why you are failing, you have so much potential!”  yadda yadda yadda.  Well, I found this, I don’t remember writing it, and I want to repost it.  When I wrote this, Andrea and I were…. “On a break.”  So.. If it sounds a little crazy, it’s becaus without here, I tend to be a little crazy.  (Right baby?) Man, it’s amazing how much can change in a year. Thank you Jesus.  So here.. “Potential Again…”

Here I am. A rough patch. So many things running through my head, but the obvious answer is right there. Last night I had a dream about potential. Since I can remember, and I’m sure some of you can too, I loathe potential. Never really knew why until now.

Potential means, simply put, “The ability of doing”. It’s funny. I have avoided it my whole life. I never considered the people I was damaging, or what i wasn’t accomplishing because of it. I just feared the word, because I took it as an insult.

I have the potential to make my life better. Not the life you are thinking of. Not the standard, grow up, have a family, have kids. The End. Not that. I have the potential to witness, I have the potential to take care of my past. I have the drive to reconcile my past. I want to get rid of the things in my past that irk me. Sure, I feel I have come a long way in dealing with family deaths, and friend deaths. But, what about the abuse, what about the fact that when things get serious, or intense, I shut down.

What about humanity? I have the potential to reach them, or some of them. Instead, I’m cruising along on a low pay salary, thinking, “Other people are doing that”. The fact of the matter is, I have more than potential, I have ability. Abilities beyond this world. God has blessed me with more than I could ever ask for, and sometimes, I blow it.

I like to look at the big picture. (Who doesn’t) What it’s all going to be like, what changes need to be made? any? But then, I refuse to act on it. It’s because I’m afraid. It’s not comfortable to talk about the abuse, (mental, physical, sexual) And more importantly, When I let it go, Who will I be. I have been a self loathing person for so long, I don’t know what do about it.

What about the small picture? Can I make one for myself. Yes. Is it going to be a Picasso? I don’t know. But, I know that somewhere, that small picture is going to meet another small picture and be an epic. A stamp in time. If I can use my “potential”. It is not a bad feeling, just scary. I have SO MANY things to work out. Most importantly, who am I? I mean alone, who am I? I think that’s what everyone is telling me to figure out. The answer is. Broken. But not beyond repair. Everyone needs help. Regardless of what my family has told me. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to stumble. Everyone struggles.

My final thesis. I’m not afraid of potential. As a matter of fact, I embrace it now. God has given everyone potential, and also freewill. I have ran from what God has given me, and I cannot do that anymore. The only thing is, it’s not going to be potential for long, it’s going to be actions.