Posted on October 19, 2008 - by Andy McMahon

A Long Time Coming (Repost from 11/11/06)

The emptiness. The lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?

These are the things that kept me hiding behind a bottle, or worse, for so many years. The temporary good feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone. If I get high, people can relate to me. If I get high, I can tolerate life. When I’m drunk, I’m a better person. These are all thoughts that I had, and I was serious about. People like me when I am drunk or speeding. I like me when I am drunk or speeding.

Slowly, my perspective changed. If I don’t get high, my life is miserable. I don’t drink that beer, my problems will find me. Sure, I drink a good amount, or, I do dope, but, no one can tell. I cover it up well. It makes me act like a normal person. It makes me want to live. I can kick this whenever I want. I just don’t feel up to it today. If I quit today, I’ll never be able to talk to all those people tonight. I quit today, I’ll sleep in and miss work. If I quit today, I’d have to get rid of my stash. Just too many reasons not to quit. Not my inability. Just too inconvenient for me. If people don’t realize that then who needs them? They don’t love me anyway. They are jealous that I have life under control. They are jealous that I found the secret. I’ve mastered the art of living with problems.

Ahhh the thoughts of an addict!

I’ve been off of drugs for ten months now. I honestly believe if I had used for another day, I would be dead. I think most people who knew me then would agree. I was in bad shape. I started going to church, and in May I got saved and quit drinking. When I got saved, I realized something. “ That emptiness. he lost feeling. That void that just needs to be filled. That’s all it will take, Just fill this void, and everything will be OK. Right? How do I fill this void? What do I do to hide from the emptiness? How do I find myself?” I found the answer. Christ. One word.

It’s amazing that it took me 23 years of self torture and mutilation to realize that that emptiness can’t be filled with ounces. That lost feeling can’t be filled with grams. My problems can’t be solved with a razor blade and a straw. My salvation isn’t measured by blood alcohol level. There is only one answer, only one word, only one person, only one. Christ.

I’m fortunate to find this out at the ripe age of 23. I still have a life to live, and believe me when I say, I am going to live this life. Not for me but for Him. Through Christ anything is possible.

23 years. **sigh** I contemplate this a lot. What I have to show for my life. What I have learned in my life span? Nothing extraordinary (I don’t think) I am nothing but a worker for Christ and I am 100% happy with that. There is nothing more important I could have learned. A 23 year lesson.

23 years. ** sigh of relief** Thank God it only took me 23 years